Tuesday

Reflecting on the conversation I had with Mr. Ben Neff today about my ggrandfather's hanging. He flat out stated that grandpa was dealt injustice in loosing the homestead in Plum Creek, Neb.

Am wondering if a wrongful lawsuit is in order against the county. Wonder if Ben Neff's uncle, Sherrif Dick was involved in the scam?

He said Cylde Wallace may have had the tape I am looking for. Ben Neff strikes me as a man of honesty and literary intregity.

Is this what I am suppose to do, right an injustice of 140 years, even though the man who died was a mean SOB. His son turned out just like him, and passed it down thru my grandmother.

I take it Grandma hated her life as much as her father. Sad

I sit here at midnight pondering 3 or 4 generations of our family and more, feeling the pain of growing up with undiagnosed ADD and autism. I have cursed God and life for the afflicition.

No one listens, no one wants to hear me out. Self pity has ruined my life and weaken me.

It is only within a few years that I have learned to challenge my inner crictics and self talk. Guy Finley has helped there, but only after thousand of hours of listening to his tapes. Repeat and repeat some more. It has been hard to learn how the NT's live and think. When will they take the necessary time to go beyond the "bare facts" as Gary Spence would say.

I wonder how Gary Spence would handle this in court, 140 years after the "bare facts".

And that is putting aside the syngeristic method of law.

There must be thousands of stories similar to mine across the times of eternity. What does it take to right these stories.

As I sit here on 3 Feb 09 close to starving and homeless. What do I do? Am missing Train the Trainer cause of ADD. What a joke on my part to think or even believe it would happen or that I could learn to support myself and family. What a cruel, merciless joke, very similar to slavery.

Found out I am related to Abraham Lincoln via the Heath family today. I find out these things as I search.

T. Harv Eker would not want me on stage. I would be an embarrassment to him and all, much as my grandfather was to his generation.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Echos of frustration and pain are yet to be heard.